I live in a New York City apartment with no elevator and wacky New York City wiring, so my home security mostly consists of living in a place that very inconvenient to break into. You’d have to climb all the stairs and then you’d break through my dead bolted door to find only two things worth stealing. A burglar could take everything I own, and I’d be out like $1,200. But, you probably live in a house filled with real possessions, and you probably want some sort of home security system. Don’t go spending all your money on getting it professionally done, though. You can do it yourself. Trust me. I’ve seen it in the movies.
The first thing you can do to protect your house from invaders is to what Ethan Hunt did in Mission Impossible. You simply smash a light bulb and lay the shattered glass shards on the flooring outside your front door. That way when someone approaches, you’ll hear the glass crack under their feet and know that your presumably dead boss’s spy-wife is coming back home after a botched mission. Who needs Brinks? And here’s a fun tip: After enough people (invited people, not invaders) have walked through your front door, the glass will break down into sand that you can use to fill your child’s sandbox! (NOTE TO READER: PLEASE DO NOT USE BROKEN DOWN SHARDS OF GLASS TO FILL YOUR CHILD’S SANDBOX. HE WILL BLEED.)
But, you can’t rely on the shattered glass to keep burglars away. That’s merely a warning system. You need a contingency plan for if they get inside. That’s where all the Micro Machines come in. You simply line your entire first floor entryway with little toy cars. At the very minimum, this simple trick will keep Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern from successfully robbing your home. The thing about Daniel Stern, though, is… he’s not as smart as Joe Pesci, but he’s more resilient. You might need to also drop an iron on his face and place an upward facing nail on your basement stairs so he impales his foot. You know, basic DIY home security stuff for when you’re “In Your House By Yourself”.
Home security isn’t just about preventing break-ins, though. You also need a way to escape your home in case of a fire. And for this, Step #1 is to dress all your kids in matching track jackets and grow their hair out like Ben Stiller. Then, you plan a very intense fire drill to see if you can all get out of your home in a reasonable amount of time. If you can’t, you just bring your whole family to stay with your mom, Angelica Houston, until you figure out a more efficient escape route. Your time with your mom might seem sort of stagnant, low-key, monotone, and boring, but the colors will be vibrant and all of your friends will be really into it.
And just like that, you’ve fully secured your home for hardly any cost at all. You just need a little movie knowledge, a light bulb, and a couple of toy cars. In all likelihood, you already have the matching track jackets for your kids.