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Posted by Noah Garfinkel | Jul 24, 2012

DIY Bad Breath Cures

But, there are a few things you and your movie companions can do to keep your breath in the normal-bad zone instead of having it slip into that weird nightmare mothball zone that some people seem to have.

I'd bet money that this guy has some pretty fierce fish breath. (Photo: Ben Earwicker/sxc.hu)Breath is always a little bad. If you catch a whiff of someone’s everyday, normal, no-unusual-food breath, it still smells a little weird. Basically what’s going on is you’re smelling the inside of a person’s body, and that’s pretty foul. There are all kinds of wet organs in there. If somebody went up to you and asked, “Would you like to smell the inside of this living body?” there’s no way you would say yes, but that’s exactly what you’re doing when you smell a person’s breath. And then sometimes you even put your mouth on that person’s mouth after a movie. You’re both gross. But, there are a few things you and your movie companions can do to keep your breath in the normal-bad zone instead of having it slip into that weird nightmare mothballs-stuck-in-a-Chicago-plumbing-pipe zone that some people seem to have.

The steps you can take are pretty intuitive. For example, floss your teeth. Food gets stuck in between your teeth and then rots the same way a wet piece of bread would if you just threw it in the corner of your garage and shut the garage door. You’ve got to sweep that stuff away with some high quality floss. And, yeah, you need the high quality floss. I know it’s tempting to buy the cheep floss, but that floss falls apart in your mouth and then you get fibers of floss stuck in your teeth that you have to get out with other floss. Also, brush your teeth. You already knew that right? If I just blew your mind with that, you need to rethink everything.

Beyond those obvious steps, another simple tip is to just keep hydrated. Dry mouths smell. Swishing water around in your mouth for a couple of seconds can help. Or suck on a mint or candy to stimulate saliva production. Saliva keeps your mouth clean. There are also some foods that supposedly help. Parsley and fresh vegetables are said to maintain regular breath.

Then there’s baking soda. Of course, there’s baking soda. If you look up a DIY solution for anything on the internet, baking soda is going to come up as a solution. By all accounts it works, but I don’t’ recommend it. I tried to make toothpaste out of it for a Different-Uses-For-Baking-Soda article and it just tastes like poison. Also, it feels like you are rubbing coarse venom on your mouth.

That’s pretty much it. There’s no real magic wand here. Chew some gum and Listerine it up if you’re not into the whole DIY thing. And, if you’re one of those people with persistent bad breath, go see a doctor. On behalf of everyone you know, I implore you to go see a doctor. You might have mothballs stuck inside of your gums and/or body.

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